remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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