A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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