You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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