i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
