i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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