Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
