If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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