Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
