Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
