Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
