i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
