I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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