i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
