Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
