Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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