No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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