i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
