you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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