I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
