I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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