...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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