He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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