he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
