You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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