You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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