I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
