i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
