I just threw up on my dentist
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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