Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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