To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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