Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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