I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
