Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
