Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
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you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
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Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize