It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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