Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
whose parrot is this?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
