thus making me awesome and them whores
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
