Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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