Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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