All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
