God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
