It's a beautiful day for a hangover
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
