Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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