I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
