She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
