My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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