My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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