meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
3 2 1 whiskey
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
