you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
