it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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