You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
