I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
