totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
