I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
