I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
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The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
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My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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