when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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