ya dads aren't the best wingmen
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
