You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
