dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
